12/01/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//Bike Dream, Old Office Dream

12/01/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail December 01, 2009 Two Dreams: "1. Bike Chained to Post 2. My Old Office

Dream #1 A bicycle is chained to a street sign, not exactly my bike but it has my lock on it. I unlocked it and start to roll it to where I can put air in the tires. I see on the ground a long thin black air hose. It was kinked at a tuff of weeds on the ground and would not work.- Someone I could not see was trying to help by pulling the hose to unkink it. I could see where the hose was caught on a tiff of grass and I pushed it off the hang up with my shoe toe. I told someone that it was loose now, maybe my psychology student friend who bikes a lot. First Association: The word bicycle sounds a lot like bi-sexual and if that touches on some problem I have, then, the lock to the sign post would be both my denial and a fixation symbol that I try to unchain. The lock is a combination lock. This association makes uncomfortable but I push on. Perhaps the bike tires were flat from disuse and the long hose was an air source-the symbolism air as life support and libido, now like a neglected bike. The bike was a generic type not remarkable, my friend has a fast racing bike style of greater cost and sleek appearance. (I have a Wall-Mart's" under $200.00" ) bike due to my frugality. Or somehow a jealousy or envy trends is showing? Dream #2 Somehow a chance was being offered to me to restore the office, I formerly owned and where I barely made the cost of keeping it open and when on the verge of bankruptcy, I gave up being a independent software writer and came to work for my present company -for a modest but regulate salary]-In the dream, I was there to consider its reactivation but all was in semi-demolished state, even the floors now scraped down to dirt. The strong thick walls were still in place, otherwise just empty useless rooms. However the building adjacent was not affected, its workers had stacked boxes of scrap paper cuttings packed in cardboard boxes, against the outside of my old building, not there own. Looking across the alley I could see the other building housed a printing plant or something similar, it was busy working. ACCROSS THE front approach street, men and heavy equipment, were active, the noise was distracting and it was clear this would be incompatible with any sort of normal office functioning. MR W. (the actual landlord of the old office complex) came to discuss the possibilities -but I didn't think there was any chance and my ability to pay for it was questionable anyway. Grace, my former secretary appeared then, and she claimed to see some possibilities and that one room could still could be made to work. But I felt it was hopeless and protested "who would come through that dangerous construction activity to get in here and then be in a software developers office with little or no equipment, no staff, no inventory. {It never entered the dream that in my real life, I HAD SIGNED AN IRON CLAD CONTRACT with my present employer not to enter any kind related product competition should I leave the company. I guess my over glorified self image is punishing me for selling out to Mr. Big Big Co, yet it is nice not to worry about paying bills and scrounging for money and sales, like I uses to have to do.

Should you care to comment on my dreams, or me, be sure to put 'Bike Dream or "Old Office Dream in the subject space" --Send to: fateanalysisguy@gmail.com Thanks.

Strange lonely dream: "Shoes lost to the bay mud. Isolation, Counterfeit Cool Guy, Anxiety Dependency.

11/02/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail Strange lonely dream: "Shoes lost to the bay mud. Isolation, Counterfeit Cool Guy, Anxiety Dependency.

The Dream: I am in a flat tidal place with dykes making off distant watery sections with reeds, and inhabited by gulls, ducks and cranes. A place totally unlike my home, mountain region. I had seen a place somewhat similar riding in a car that passed along the highway that cuts across the South San Francisco Bay from a northeast San Jose to Cupertino on my way to the Apple Computer Center. I am walking out away from any visible road or people. I have a sensation of pleasant comfort with being there. As I walk further out, I notice it is getting muddier and my feet are sinking into the wet ground as I get closer to the bird sanctuary. I realize I have on street shoes and that they are starting to stick in the mud and I become anxious that I will lose them in the mud. I look for a dryer path or some debris to walk on, I find none. I smile and try to discard any thoughts of sinking deeper. I think of the people at work and if only they could see my dumb predicament now. I saw to grow anxious as the tide is rising and if I do not get free and head for high ground, I will have even a more serious problem. I decide that my not losing my shoes in the mud is no longer a priority and head aggressively toward high ground. As I do, my now bare feet feel hard metallic things and wires under the wet surface. This stuff abrades and cuts my feet, which start to bleed. I reach down and pull some of these pieces out of the mud. Most are rotted parts of very old computer and phone equipment. I toss them back and make a dash in near panic to the top of an earthen dyke, where I am safe, but the gravel top, hurts sharply ever step I take to get back to safety. I find some old discarded clothes or rags on the way and wrap my feet, this helps a lot and as I move on, I begin to worry about the feet getting infected from the dirty old rags. I see this on the surface as references to my self-analysis efforts. Which I see most the time as comfortable and pleasant. I recognize I have to move out from some comfortable and secure things, and reach beyond to both the natural things-the tidal recurring world and equally to my inner world. I often am aware that I feel isolated from others and strive to hide it from both myself and others by overcompensating by taking the initiative in encouraging them to start new input and then nudge them toward make suggestions that are going to support my already decided agenda. This is manipulative and after using such ploys, I feel guilty. The limited security gained for the wild life may represent the various pains and risks, in living. In addition, where (as in the dream) one solution may force you to cross and deal with even more painful things before you get back on the path. The dyke symbol pointing to controlling barriers, a planned resistance to time and tide and also safety, at a painful price to cut bleeding feet. The comfort provided by the rags also carry the danger of infection. This last symbolization, the fear of infection leads to associations that my self-analysis threatens to reveal deeper conflicts with a larger neurotic core than I had ever believed possible. I think a deeper interpretation would be, that in my personal life, I have major, advance and retreat strategies those work great for me on the surface But they also block real closeness, and authentic self-fulfillment in my personal life. These are my compulsive repetitious, my, fall back positions. The are automatically triggered whenever I let my self get too personally involved. I think in the dream I hoped for someone to help me, but it was clear I had to make the effort on my own. Being known a cool person is not as cool as it would seems. I believe that under the surface I have a distrust or others, particularly, those others significant to me. I expect to get hurt and begin to feel a kind of anxiety whenever I find I am growing dependent in my love life. I feel some guilt about this and struggle against revealing it. I know (on later reflection), it is caused more by what is in me than anything about them. I have always tied to make a virtue out of my avoiding dependency but I am being to see, it also served to hide a deep-set distrust of others.

My Outreach: If you care to point out what you think my dream mean and/or what I am missing, please do so. At this site where systematic self-analysis is encouraged, You,-everyone of you, are my personal analysts, amateur or professional, it is your input and encouragement that keeps me maintaining regular sessions, and my reaching for depth level free association. At times, I check my productive content and progress against, Psychoanalyst, Karen Horney's list of ten neurotic needs. I confess I don't always do this list checking as often as I should. However, when I do, I feel it keeps me from over-focusing on one thing while ignoring other less obvious things. I printed it out and keep it in my dream book. You don't have to memorize the list, just recognize these needs and related conflicts, when you run into them. It's a mini-psychology course in itself. You can review it-- [Here#1] You can also review exactly what is true, "Free Association"-- [Here#2] Also I am reading "Ego Development" at the "Szondi Test Study Group" It is giving me a better opinion of The Szondi Test and Freudian theory than my Cybernetics indoctrination would have ever have permitted--[Here#3]

Mountain Software Writer: "Swimming Pool Dream"

10/03/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail Hi All! I am beginnings to see a new thread running through the art gallery dream, it did not occur to directly, but followed a twisted route through my free associations that touched on several touchy points in my personality related to living up to the image I want to project to others and my guilt over recognizing how much better I would have to be to really be the nice, charming, helpful, (and superior of course) son, boyfriend, employee, consultant. I would never have believed a few months ago, that I had in me, any hidden touchiness, over some ancient issues that now threatened to unmask my exaggerated image of my self. I have come to detect behind all this that I felt that others somehow know this and automatically try not to stir up my sore spots. There were some others however who seemed to aim dead on at every sore or weak spot in my character armor. In this respect, I had self diagnosed myself as semi-paranoid!! This thread of self-analysis now grew even more painful, when I turned up repressed childhood memories of wounded pride, anger, and quick blaming others. Also some symptomatic and self-defeating behaviors, most of which related to testing the limits of relations to my parents and teachers in my early school years, (my father says I was in into everything, every minute!- too bad they didn't have Ritalin then!) I seem to have by the fourth grade suppressed this unsettling behavior and appeared adapted or at least comfortable with myself, my parents and school from then on. As an experiment I printed out my Art Gallery dream and had a friend play the role of analyst while I lie on the couch, a la Freud and read each sentence, one at time and then I free associated to just this content until I felt I had reached some end point. I see where this process works some different than when you attempt do the same thing by yourself. This also was a repeat on the same dream I had gone through in my self-session. The results were remarkably more productive of content relating to issues of my childhood and brought the problem of my character mask to my attention. I am now growing uncomfortable about continuing spilling my guts before my well meaning, but amateur psychologist friend. Should I do this again?

New dream, I am at a picnic or recreation place, one very inviting, nicely laid out, many choices of activities. There were families with children and groups of young adults in view at the different sections. The swimming pool looks the most inviting and there was a places where for a small free you can rent the use of a bathing suit, a towel .and a locker key for storing your clothes. I change into the sort of drab one size fit all suit. As I am by myself, I look around for those my age. They seem to be in small groups with each group maintaining connection with only its own members. There is splashing, yelling in mock water fights, arms legs moving all in fun. I feel left out and look for the entrance to the water slide tower, where pulses of water push you down a twisting trough. This looks like fun and I do so, and end in the part of the pool area where a wave machine sends a large wave every five minutes. When I arrive down there, I see many young people spread out across the pool expanse, waiting for the next wave. They all are wearing flotation devices and wait for the recurring big waves. I have no flotation thing and must stay afloat by my own actions, so after the first wave I swim to shallow water and stand on my feet. There are many children here and I stand out and feel out of place and leave by the nearest ladder, Once out, I see I am near the pool's heating and wave making machine room, The door is partly open and I look in with curiosity for time and then move on. I remember my money is in the locker and cannot buy a soda at the soda stand. I spot some coins on the ground-I feel a flush of expectation and am quickly disappointed as it is two quarters and at the stand a soda costs a $1.00.

Thanks Al,l for your input- Send me your comments and interpretations to fateanalysisguy@gmail.com Be sure to put 'Swimming Pool Dream' in the subject bar. You Guys and Gals, are so smart!

Mountain Software Writer: Art Gallery Dream, Father, Girl, Bill Clinton.

09/03/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail I still have the desire to explain mental processes in terms of software, I conceive or conjure up, a human neurological equivalent of code error and bug checking. Which is my real work job at this time. Part of problems connected to this day job carries over to my regular sessions of depth level free association. For example, my association to the old time radio equipment in my earlier dream, jumped to my childhood, when once I approached my father for $ 19.95 to buy a kit, which if I put it together correctly, I would then have mini radio transmitter.(I was 14 0r 15) and I was enthralled with the idea that for blocks around I could be a radio personality. Father said, 'no' without any hesitation. Disappointed, I asked, Why? You will be over your skill level to put it together and if you succeed, you will annoy the neighbors, and they may call the feds. Of course, he was right, but I still would like to have tried. The current work association is that the company I work for is expanding into new uses for wireless devises and already has a profitable line in that market. Their main fear is that some other company will market a device so advanced that it will make their products outmoded as to be a museum piece. I feel my dream was somehow was an attempt at balancing by past disappoints, my personal life and the company's fear driven pressure to be at the head of the technology development curve. I understand also their disappointment when I have to tell my boss to tell them some new device which already representing thousands of dollars in development costs, will take more than a software fix in order to be ready for production. Filially after these ramblings, the phrase 'development costs' spreads out to my living costs schooling costs, the money and Ego costs racked up in my love life. And then the cost that arises, if one does not remove impediments to healthy participation in life. The neurotic code (getting back to my dumb view) causes, faulty judgment, repetitious compulsions, all of which undermine the goal of happiness. A fragment of a dream I am in an art gallery (much like one is actually visited in Connecticut a few years ago, at a time when they were greatly excited that they as a group were readying a web site by which their works could viewed by anyone, anywhere, with computer. I recall I felt a tang of guilt (in acting like my father) as I tried to lower their expectations. One section of the gallery was straight forward realism, traditional portraits, landscapes and still life's but the other section was mixed media and experimental combinations of all kinds. Some were strangely fascinating but overall they looked ugly to me An attractive young woman in a black dress, such as hostesses ware in high class restaurants, stood before a spotlighted sculpture and invited me to look at it; explaining its features. She pointed to each part and described the artistic and moral, and social implications, which the artist was trying to convey. As she did this with each section, what I had perceived as being sickening ugly, changed shape, color and brightness and I began to like it. (I think the woman was the same one, Bill Clinton walked away with in the "Radio Station" dream.

You can send me your thoughts on my thinking and dream content at: fateanalysisguy@gmail.com Put in the subject, 'Art Gallery Dream.'

Montain Sortware Writer's "Radio Tube Dream"

08/05/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail Hi All! I have been working on some code for mobile applications (for pay) that my employer hopes will soon rock the world. I find myself while repeating strips of code and rendering their check sums over and over, to ultimately debug them, with that a kind of flying on auto-pilot mental state sets in. One where you mind is some place else than where it should be. (Don't tell my boss- He believes I'm in total focus every second.) Anyway in this mind state I find myself trying to perceive some connection with what I am doing and my desire to create a psychology based on computer science. As a result during this boring repetitive stuff a fuzzy logic kicks in, It is not exactly science or art and its actions is halfway between my very personal self-analysis practice of depth level free association and the real constraints that miniaturized electrical cuicuts layouts forces on the software that has to run correctly on a particular hardware device. I (fuzzy) think 'can this devices dream, feel, think? It can deliver all sorts of images and words and sound to its holder'. ( then not fuzzy thinking) All stuff interesting or useful but hardly the real thing. At near quitting time, I shift into sharp focus as I consider how I am to break the news to my boss, that to bring this concept to market, that modifications in the hardware would have be made or they will have settle for fewer bells and whistles. MY DREAM THAT NIGHT

I am in a old time radio station-the equipment is acting up but running. The technology is pre-world war II, klunky looking mircrophones dials, meters, tubes, panels and knobs of black bakelite. There were even square glass jars filled with acid. Much like what you might see at tech museums. I could smell the ozone, the hot bakelite, and the acid. Mr. K (my real life boss) hands me a still hot old time glass radio tube that I can see its insides are blackened from suffering a burn out. It is clear to me, he expects me to do something about it. I rummage through a box of similar tubes, ones discarded from some past events. Most looked totally burnt out. I finally locate one with bent prongs but the glass was clear and the inner parts appeared intact. I offer it to try. Mr. K says No, the broadcast is on and we must wait to do repairs. We wait and look through a sound proof viewing window at the broadcast room, an anouncer who looks like Bill Clinton, intruduces a nice looking woman to sing. I struggle to make sence of the lyrics but the old style speakers distorted it too much. it was a sweet love song, I think. They left and a news crew took over the broadcast. From a stack of photos Mr. K hands me one of the girl who just sang, saying: "You just saw history in the making." Somehow I felt left out, peeved and disapointed but accepted the photo as gracefully as I could.

My analysis: I see in this dream, the day residues from the pressures of my work. The desire to please my boss etc. Also the problems of advancing technology and what we want to make it do. In my self-analysis sessions, I am working through the repetious failures in my love life. which I don't care to post publicly. Here the old burnt out radio tubes, I am sure Freud, would see as symbols of sexual problems or failed relations. My disappointment with being handed a photo and not the girl is obvious. The appearance of smell in the dream calls for some explanation I can't offer. Bill Clinton make me smile when I recall his public embarrasments. As always; if you have an alternative analysis. Send it to: fateanalysisguy@gmail.com Put in the subject "Radio Tubes Dream" and I'll get it. Tnanks--

Mountain Software Writer:Self Analysis, Mind as Software.

July 5, 2009

Mountain Software Writer

I treat the Mind as if Software. I believe this advances self psychology in a practical way not possible before the development of computers. New metaphors equals new insights. Nevertheless, that does not mean the old ones were wrong, only that thy were written in the archaic code of their time and place.  

Filed under: SELF HELP SEARCH, self-analysis — admin @ 8:24 pm 07/5/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail

The feed back from my Jane Russell (18 hour bra) dream was-mostly from guys telling me (as expected) “..go find yourself a Jane’. Come on guys- real life is more complicated than that.
The two puzzling hair styles on one Jane Russell, in the dream, drew several insightful interpretations.


1. My love object desire has split preferences - plane seductive and curly cute, both provocative and potentially tormenting.

2. Some Freudian transposition of hair from usually hidden places of the body. Important as my libido stimulators.

3. Mirror image of my female side persona.

4. Some childhood image transition not fully accomplished as an adult.

5. Oedipal Complex, with a possible hair fetish as its symptom.

Join in if your like--To reach me send E-mail to fateanalysisguy@gmail with “Mountain Software Writer” in the subject. This is a better contact method than using ‘comments’ and getting lost in the flood of spam that overwhelms this site. 

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05/31/09

E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail

[I find myself backsliding on my avowed self-analysis.]

Part of my revisions to my revised contract with myself was to report in monthly. Here it is May 31 and I have to push myself to do so before the month ends. Also this month I have forced myself to write my dreams down before they slip away. A set of dreams immediately followed. They make me face things I would just as soon avoid.

Dream #1

A dream about the death of my mother, one that I am not comforable to talk about this even though the event was several years ago.

Dream #2

Just in case you think I am just a horny guy that lays this on you for the hell of it, above top is my photo of the page in my dream book. Back when I went to live with my aunt K. I really enjoyed those TV commercials for the 18 hour bras that Jane Russell starred in. That speaks for itself. What I do not understand is the strange hair business?



Don’t be afraid to send me your interpretation. You are my external analyst. The other, I have transference to. [See July-You Guys wow me!]


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Mountain Software Writer
February 21, 2009

Update from a Self-Analyst: “I fight the resistance in every strip of code, my self-analysis uncovers–”

11:32 pm from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail.com

February….I’m back- I’ve covered approximate 20, 45 minute Self-Analysis sessions, thus sticking fairly close to my contract with myself. Reaching the depth level free association process described, as essential for self-analysis (as defined by Karen Horney) It was not always possible for me in some sessions. In addition, I know I dream almost every night, but was able to capture in awareness and later write down only a couple each week. These were generally useful.. At the end of each session, I make a summary of anything that I can attribute to resistance or mood detection. . My method of doing so is partly based on my experience as a software writer, where at the end of writing several pages of code, I must run the code to discover what does not perform correctly, and locate what ever ‘bugs’ that caused it’s malfunctions. Some pages debug simply, others seem impossible and you know you have resistant work ahead of you. I ask myself how did this session go, and how do I feel about the section of code I am exploring. Is new code presenting itself and is the problem inherent in it do to the legacy code that rules over all subsequent code. Or later family set code? Just how neurotic does it make when aberrant unwanted code runs? Other may be more comfortable with different metaphors, but as they read this they can say to themselves-”How would I say something like that to myself?” and they will find their own way of talking to themselves without being considered crazy. The concept of resistance in my self-analysis (for me anyway) draws on this model. Some sessions I feel inclined to skip and ask myself if this self assigned ‘extra self torment’ is worth the effort. As no one waits for any answer. My friends and myself like me- (I think) more or less as I am? Is not this kind of thinking none other than ‘bugs’ in my brains software? And this not also resistance in my self analysis?. Some say self-analysis is impossible to do. I still want to try. Next time I will explain my use of the basic navigation system that shows me to what fate my drives are moving me. 

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—MOUNTAIN SOFTWARE WRITER,
January 18, 2009
Update from a Self-Analyst
Filed under: SELF HELP SEARCH — Tags: free association, FREUD, self-help, self. self-analysis — admin @ 12:21 am 01/16/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail


Just a note to let you know my Self-Analysis is progressing far better than I even expected. The 45 min sessions got to be a drag at about session 10. I see now see why you discouraged me from the two hour runs I thought would be a breeze. Also achieving a authentic depth level of free association did not kick in until I forced myself to stick to the plan whiter I felt like it or not. I imagined Freud with a an old time razor strap popping me one when I considered chucking it all. (My father tells me his father old country style actually ’strapped’ him. Some ancestor stuff here I think!) I am writing my dreams to file and then saving them for the evening appointment, I make with myself. One of my recurring dreams is: I am in a park-like place and get off my bike and feel frustrated when I discover I forgot or lost my laptop and can not get to work on it. I interpret this as representing both me in the self-analysis and my actual work world. I will try to get an update next month.

-Mountain Software Writer Guy



PS: Having fun with the Free “Szondi Test” I never believed any thing that looks so dumb could give me so many clues about myself. 

* MOUNTAIN SOFTWARE WRITER GUY AND HIS EMAILS ARE “COMPOSITE FICTION” USED TO INTRODUCE SOME CONTENT. The statments are based on reprsentative  discusions.