Strange lonely dream: "Shoes lost to the bay mud. Isolation, Counterfeit Cool Guy, Anxiety Dependency.

11/02/09 E-Mail from: Mountain Software Writer//To fateanalysisguy@gmail Strange lonely dream: "Shoes lost to the bay mud. Isolation, Counterfeit Cool Guy, Anxiety Dependency.

The Dream: I am in a flat tidal place with dykes making off distant watery sections with reeds, and inhabited by gulls, ducks and cranes. A place totally unlike my home, mountain region. I had seen a place somewhat similar riding in a car that passed along the highway that cuts across the South San Francisco Bay from a northeast San Jose to Cupertino on my way to the Apple Computer Center. I am walking out away from any visible road or people. I have a sensation of pleasant comfort with being there. As I walk further out, I notice it is getting muddier and my feet are sinking into the wet ground as I get closer to the bird sanctuary. I realize I have on street shoes and that they are starting to stick in the mud and I become anxious that I will lose them in the mud. I look for a dryer path or some debris to walk on, I find none. I smile and try to discard any thoughts of sinking deeper. I think of the people at work and if only they could see my dumb predicament now. I saw to grow anxious as the tide is rising and if I do not get free and head for high ground, I will have even a more serious problem. I decide that my not losing my shoes in the mud is no longer a priority and head aggressively toward high ground. As I do, my now bare feet feel hard metallic things and wires under the wet surface. This stuff abrades and cuts my feet, which start to bleed. I reach down and pull some of these pieces out of the mud. Most are rotted parts of very old computer and phone equipment. I toss them back and make a dash in near panic to the top of an earthen dyke, where I am safe, but the gravel top, hurts sharply ever step I take to get back to safety. I find some old discarded clothes or rags on the way and wrap my feet, this helps a lot and as I move on, I begin to worry about the feet getting infected from the dirty old rags. I see this on the surface as references to my self-analysis efforts. Which I see most the time as comfortable and pleasant. I recognize I have to move out from some comfortable and secure things, and reach beyond to both the natural things-the tidal recurring world and equally to my inner world. I often am aware that I feel isolated from others and strive to hide it from both myself and others by overcompensating by taking the initiative in encouraging them to start new input and then nudge them toward make suggestions that are going to support my already decided agenda. This is manipulative and after using such ploys, I feel guilty. The limited security gained for the wild life may represent the various pains and risks, in living. In addition, where (as in the dream) one solution may force you to cross and deal with even more painful things before you get back on the path. The dyke symbol pointing to controlling barriers, a planned resistance to time and tide and also safety, at a painful price to cut bleeding feet. The comfort provided by the rags also carry the danger of infection. This last symbolization, the fear of infection leads to associations that my self-analysis threatens to reveal deeper conflicts with a larger neurotic core than I had ever believed possible. I think a deeper interpretation would be, that in my personal life, I have major, advance and retreat strategies those work great for me on the surface But they also block real closeness, and authentic self-fulfillment in my personal life. These are my compulsive repetitious, my, fall back positions. The are automatically triggered whenever I let my self get too personally involved. I think in the dream I hoped for someone to help me, but it was clear I had to make the effort on my own. Being known a cool person is not as cool as it would seems. I believe that under the surface I have a distrust or others, particularly, those others significant to me. I expect to get hurt and begin to feel a kind of anxiety whenever I find I am growing dependent in my love life. I feel some guilt about this and struggle against revealing it. I know (on later reflection), it is caused more by what is in me than anything about them. I have always tied to make a virtue out of my avoiding dependency but I am being to see, it also served to hide a deep-set distrust of others.

My Outreach: If you care to point out what you think my dream mean and/or what I am missing, please do so. At this site where systematic self-analysis is encouraged, You,-everyone of you, are my personal analysts, amateur or professional, it is your input and encouragement that keeps me maintaining regular sessions, and my reaching for depth level free association. At times, I check my productive content and progress against, Psychoanalyst, Karen Horney's list of ten neurotic needs. I confess I don't always do this list checking as often as I should. However, when I do, I feel it keeps me from over-focusing on one thing while ignoring other less obvious things. I printed it out and keep it in my dream book. You don't have to memorize the list, just recognize these needs and related conflicts, when you run into them. It's a mini-psychology course in itself. You can review it-- [Here#1] You can also review exactly what is true, "Free Association"-- [Here#2] Also I am reading "Ego Development" at the "Szondi Test Study Group" It is giving me a better opinion of The Szondi Test and Freudian theory than my Cybernetics indoctrination would have ever have permitted--[Here#3]